This is Queer: Emmett, Part II

Author and photographer’s note: I chose to feature Emmett twice as part of the project. He went through a significant metamorphosis emotionally and physically, and I wanted to capture that, reveal how Emmett both changed and how he remained the same.

Emmett underwent top surgery (also known as a subcutaneous mastectomy) on April 22, 2021. Specifically, he underwent a double incision procedure with nipple graphs. A great deal of thought, planning, and care went into both the decision to undergo this procedure and all of the logistical details.

“Preparation for surgery involved a lot of introspection, gathering ‘my village,’ and seeking wisdom from trans elders. I never had a moment of self doubt or questioning my path, but I spoke a lot with my therapist leading up to surgery to make sure I was in a good place mentally and spiritually for the procedure,” shares Emmett.

He added, “I think one is never truly prepared for such a procedure though, no matter how much research you do.”

Prior to this experience, Emmett had never undergone major surgery. He was nervous, to put it mildly. He’d spoken to friends that had undergone the surgery as well the surgeon performing the surgery to gain perspective, but when he arrived at 5AM, he was relieved he didn’t have to wait until later in the day. He was ready, and his husband, his rock and a significant supporter through the whole process, was by his side until it was time to begin.

“The staff were all wonderful, using my pronouns and name and just showering me in kindness,” Emmett recalls. “I was excited for the relief I knew was coming, but I was anxious about the new situation, new people. And I was nervous about the possibility of something going wrong.”

The surgery was successful and without complication, and Emmett returned home to recover with his family.

Recovery was far smoother than Emmett had envisioned it would be, involving more discomfort than pain. His familiarity with medical procedure through work in veterinary medicine made managing what was happening — from IV catheter placement to the removal of drains from his body — easier to cope with an understand. But he did experience depression symptoms early on.

“I did experience some post-op depression, which I wasn't anticipating,” shares Emmett. “Reflecting, I think it was a combination of exhaustion from not being able to sleep comfortably, having to interact with a lot of new people in a stressful environment, and being confined to my couch for most of a week. The depression eased off around the time I had my drains removed and could move about the house and take care of myself more independently.”

He experienced a plethora of emotions following the surgery. His immediate reaction to his chest was a muted one. Caught up in details of changing clothing with medical staff dashing about and being discharged, Emmett didn’t experience an onslaught of emotions initially. He’d expected them; friends spoke of utter elation. But after going home, later than night, emotion came.

Emmett shared his memories of that first, profoundly emotional reaction: “The euphoria didn't really hit me until later that night when I was doing my first bandage change and saw everything alone in my bathroom. I sat on my sink and cried while I dutifully prepared my new bandages and cleared my drains. Now, months after the surgery, the idea of my pre-op body is foriegn to me, like a hazy dream. I know logically what my chest was like before but when I try to draw up the sensation of how it felt I can't quite manage it, it feels like this is how it has always been. I'm proud of my body now, it feels like home in a way that it never has before.”

Emmett’s experience following the surgery can be described as nothing less than sheer joy. He has found a home in his body for the first time and no longer hates his body as he used to. He finds himself no longer comparing his body to others or that he experiences the world with new confidence, literally and figuratively standing taller.

Prior to surgery, Emmett’s relationship with his body felt utterly consuming and almost like a constant distraction. Today, he feels good in his skin, feels more confident navigating the world and in the company of other people.

“I find that I am able to experience the world around me free of the mental confines of being concerned about my physical body. Having top surgery has released me from a cage I didn't fully understand the boundaries of.”

His body isn’t the only thing that’s changed. His marriage has, too. Emmett’s relationship with his husband has spanned almost 10 years, and while those have been joyous and connected years, Emmett’s transformation emotionally and physically has brought new horizons to their union as well. The two have reached new heights of intimacy, spiritually, emotionally, and sexually.

“I relate to my partner now as an equal, not a lesser being. I am a fierce feminist, and I uplift and support women in every aspect of their lives. Yet, somehow, I could never extend that attitude towards myself when I was female-presenting. Every ugly stereotype you can imagine about women I applied to myself, and so I was extremely insecure in my marriage, and saw myself as a lesser person.” Emmett no longer sees himself as that lesser person — not because he is no longer female-presenting but because he now presents to the world a true vision of who he really is.

While he experienced fear and apprehension surrounding the surgery, Emmett feels very content and happy with his decision, that undergoing the procedure was worth the investment of time, money, and emotion.

Following his experience and in thinking about sharing tidbits of wisdom he garnered along the way, Emmett said, “Be prepared to be deadnamed and misgendered, especially if your ID and insurance still reflect your birth identity. I had a wonderful experience with most of the hospital staff, but there were distinct dysphoric experiences, such as exposing my pre-op chest to several individuals during exams and surgical prep. Something I wish I'd known prior to surgery was that one of my post-op medications had to be delivered via injection, and I had to have a friend come help with that because I was too nervous to do them while I was recovering. And above all, be kind to yourself post-op. Stock up on your favorite foods and drinks, order delivery, rent movies, nap, accept help from friends. Surgery is emotional and scary and you deserve all the grace and comfort in the world.”