This is Queer: Emmett

Originally from Ohio, Emmett has lived in the Richmond area for 13 years, and in those years, he has evolved, grown, and found himself. Coming to the area after completing high school in Charlottesville, he could never have imagined all that laid ahead.

“I was in high school when I discovered I was bisexual. I grew up in a strictly religious and conservative family, so my sexual orientation was a secret, terrifying and exciting. I had boyfriends and girlfriends, and I loved and hated the thrill of my secret romantic relationships that played out right in front of my guardians because they had no idea I was anything but straight,” Emmett shared. “As I got older, I tried to force myself into heteronormativity, dating those of the opposite sex to whom I had very little attraction, but they were convenient and present. And they were interested in me as what they perceived me as, and not as I truly was. I finally found the right partner for myself, we have been together for over seven years now, and it was in the safety and healthiness of this relationship I came to the realization that I am trans. With my transition I have also found my sexual orientation changing, and I now identify as gay instead of bisexual.”

Accepting and embracing himself as, among other ways of identifying, “queer” has been a journey of love for Emmett.

“Queer is a term of endearment for me, a word of self-love, of acceptance, of pride, of a beautiful community.”

But queer is one of many terms that feels right for him. Emmett also describes himself as trans, transmasc, and gay. His journey to identifying and embracing those words to describe himself was one paved both in pain and joy.

“I was assigned female at birth, and spent my life trying to fit into the social norms and expectations of that gender. I struggled to figure out what being female meant for me, and developed severe anxiety and depression about my inability to ‘fit in’ with other girls, to hit the feminine check marks that others seemed to come by others naturally, and to feel good about myself as a woman. I was always disinterested in everything society told me I should embrace,” said Emmett. He always felt a distinct discomfort and unhappiness trying to conform to notions of what he perceived then to be his gender, later understanding that he was experiencing gender dysphoria.

“I remember coming into puberty and immediately feeling shame and embarrassment about my body. More so than just what is imposed on young women as they grow and develop. I felt disconnected from my body; my mental of self didn’t match what I saw in the mirror.”

Feeling confused, anxious, and depressed, it was many years until Emmett found ways to describe, to communicate, what he was feeling. He began exploring his gender and ultimately found that a male identity felt like home, felt right. “I found myself, hidden under all that feminine role-playing, my true identity tucked away from childhood, from before puberty forced me into a role that wasn’t right.”

And now, Emmett is about to embark on top surgery in his continuing journey. Just under a year ago, he undertook socially transitioning — including changing his name and pronouns, beginning to dress in ways that were more expressive of his true gender, and living life as a male person. Medical transitioning followed beginning in August 2020 with top surgery on the horizon.

“It has been a carefully constructed journey to top surgery. I’ve sacrificed a lot to build a savings that will adequately serve my family while I am recovering. I’ve taken a semester off from schooling to allow time for the procedure,” Emmett shared. “I’m feeling a vast mixture of emotions about the procedure. My out of pocket is very high, and I’m anxious about going into this medical debt. I’m nervous about taking time off work to recover, as I am the manager at my job, and I don’t like leaving them short handed and without my support. I’m excited, very excited, and also very nervous, as this is the first major procedure I’ll have had.”

But there is a sadness and even a sense of loss in this procedure for Emmett.

“I am also a little saddened by the prospect of this procedure. While I have never identified with my chest as it is — and it has caused me great anxiety and discomfort — I did breastfeed my child as as infant for over a year, and have the very fondest of memories of that sweet, gentle time in life. While I know I am in no way losing those memories, it does feel like a loss in some sense, a finality that those times are over, never to be repeated.”

Despite that, Emmett feels a great sense of optimism about how he will experience life and his body following the upcoming surgery. With realistic expectations of recovery and the challenges that come with that undertaking, he’s looking forward to experiencing life in a body that is free of elements that feel foreign and out of place. He’s looking forward to feeling more at home in his body in way he’s never experienced before, gaining a sense that his outward appearance matches the identity he knows to be true.

“As I have been on testosterone injections, my outward appearance is shifting, and I am being perceived as my true gender more and more, which is extremely euphoric. However, I can see when some people are confused or questioning, their eyes dart to my chest, and I feel exposed, embarrassed, ashamed. I am outed by my chest as it is now, and it is the root of much of my dysphoric feelings and social anxiety.”

While he knows that it will take time following the surgery, Emmett looks forward to more and more moments of gender euphoria.

“[To me] gender euphoria is undressing for the shower and catching a glimpse of your body starting to match how your brain sees it, and not seeing a stranger in the mirror. Gender euphoria is watching gender-driven social expectations fall away bit by bit as you start to blend into society as your true gender.” And he’s looking forward to all of the joy of those moments.

Embracing all of this lived experience, good and bad, has paved the winding roads of Emmett’s queer experience, and among his many emotions, he feels unrelenting pride in who he is and how he’s grown.

“I am aggressively queer. I am bold in my presence, and I do not hide any part of myself in fear of persecution or judgment. I am an incredibly anxious and introverted individual, but I am proud of myself as a trans homosexual man. And I have suffered a lot to get to this point in my life. I live fiercely in my identity, even if sometimes it’s scary. I would not have come to these realizations about myself if not for bold individuals who share their experiences and journeys. So, it’s a pledge to myself, in a way, to live my life boldly — just in case anyone who might need to see it is looking.”