This is Queer: Nic
Nic embodies an infectious energy that seems to permeate into everything she touches, everyone she encounters. It’s as if she’s the living embodiment of “bubbly,” and it’s not performative. It is the essence of who she is. But her queer identity is part of that essence as well.
“‘Queer’ means being authentic, true to yourself. The term applies to me because, well, I do what I want,” she said. “I express myself in ways that feel true to me; that’s who I am. Queer feels true.”
For Nic, being queer is about denying a notion of restriction, about embracing possibilities and not limiting her experience, particularly in terms of connection to others.
“I always knew I was attracted to, well, everyone, but it wasn’t something I was super comfortable with exploring due to all the stigma. In my dating life, besides my current partner, I don’t have a lot of ‘queer experience,’ and I feel like people can really be invalidating when they learn that about me. But I know what calls to me. I know who I am. And I like the term ‘queer’ because I don’t like being put in a box with an assumption that I only like one thing.”
Nic grew up in queer spaces, often outside of heteronormative spaces, including regularly joining her family at drag shows. This meant that she didn’t have a “coming out moment” as many do. There was no significant “ah-ha” moment — she’s always been receptive and open to her attraction not being restricted to a particular gender or sexual orientation. As an adult, and in particular since moving to Richmond, it is this openness that drew her to communal, polyamorous living with people that she embraces as family.
“My household is made up of my best friends in the universe. Our home is referred to as ‘The Gay UFO’ and waking up here always feels like magic. This home is the first family dynamic I have built, and I couldn’t have ever imagined how big of an impact it would have on me.”
Life in their household is highly communal. Everyone takes part in making life work together, from domestic tasks to serving as a strongly linked support system to one another. And the location isn’t happenstance. Having this home in Richmond was very intentional for everyone as they came together.
“We have made our home a safe space for ourselves, but truly for any and everyone. We want you to feel warm and comfortable being vulnerable whenever you are around. In my opinion, Richmond does the same thing as an environment to grow. Since moving to here, I’ve had experiences that helped me become significantly more confident, self-aware, compassionate, and liberated. The overall feel of Richmond has always drawn me in, especially being from Long Island originally. The people I have met here and those I have the pleasure to live with really make Richmond feel like home.”
The relationships shared in the house transcend notions of romantic versus platonic and don’t exist in a hierarchy. Each member of the home is valuable, included, and an essential piece of the whole.
“We’re willing to have conflict to create change. We have uncomfortable conversations to better our understanding of one another. We just truly have each other’s backs. It has made my standard of new relationships much more worthwhile, but it has made quality versus quantity [in relationships] very obvious. But since having such introspection on how I can be most effective for myself, my family, and everyone I’m with, it seems the people manifested in my life are more at a similar level of communication and comprehension.”
Nic considers herself highly compassionate, transparent, and willing to always be emotionally open. She links her willingness to be vulnerable, to live with an open spirit, highly with her queer experience. She works to break down boundaries with those she encounters and be unafraid to extend herself to others. It was this bold take on life that lead her to open her heart to define love on her own terms.
“In my opinion, polyamory is the ability to wholeheartedly love more than one life partner. I feel a lot of times, when commonly practiced, it can be watered down to just sex with multiple partners, but my experience isn’t specifically sexual. I think ethical non-monogamy requires a higher level of trust, communication, and individuality than monogamous relationships. But within a relationship that acknowledges expression of attraction to others , the relationship grows stronger due to clear communication and lack of doubt,” she shares. “I’d definitely consider it part of my queer identity because I really view my entire household as my partners in different ways. I think it encompasses my ability to find something admirable in anyone I meet.”
At 26 years old and living in a community where she feels solidarity versus sticking out in a “cookie cutter” environment that doesn’t embrace her, Nic feels free to express herself. And for her, that’s the real definition both of freedom and of being queer.
